Exclamated secret to curing jet lag! Use at your own risk!

I Googled "avoid jet lag" today. That's because Pat and I are falling asleep on the couch at 6:30 p.m., just like my parents did when, sedated by hamburger steak and green beans, they'd snore away the evening as Alex Trebek quizzed the latest Jeopardy! (America's Favorite Quiz Show) champion. Maybe it's heriditary, but I'm blaming it on a six hour time difference.

Google found 971,000 hits. Obviously, not one thing works. Yet. But here's what I found out from TravelSmart.

I should have drunk more water, less cocktails. I should not have relied on sleeping pills. I narrowly avoided disaster by refusing that pot of beans and cabbage offered at the airport food court. I should have packed facial clothes, lip balm, nasal spray, moisturizer, high-fiber snacks and heat pads (I'm guessing this was written before the quart zipper bag, three-ounce max rule went into effect because this is pushing the bounds of plasticy physics).

I particularly liked this advice and wished I had only traveled smarter:

Take along gel eye masks. They are inexpensive and available at your local drugstore, Target and Walmart. Ask the flight attendant to keep them in the fridge until a half hour before landing. Like a cold shower for your eyes, this treatment helps alleviate the "raccoon look" that comes with long flights.

Boy, do I know the raccoon look. And, boy, I just bet flight attendants jump at any chance they have to store eye masks in the airplane fridge, along with your leftovers and boxes of baking soda.

But now that we're back (uh, for two days), all these prevent-jet-lag tips are doing me absolutely no good. So I have come up with the Newsome Shock Cure for Jet Lag, which costs less than $5 and can help you stay up for The Daily Show: Drink a triple shot of espresso lightened with milk and made frothy with milk froth while eating a mini can of Pringles from the local gas station! Proceed to consume slowly while driving your car up your extremely bouncy dirt road which, just minutes before, made you want to scream and cry but suddenly comes in handy as the friction mixes this cheap cocktail up, making less work for your digestive system! Talk in a high, fast pitch to your pets and husband who locked himself out of the house, all of whom back slowly into other rooms lest you see the whites of their eyes! Type ferociously on the computer! Regret what you wrote later!

Sweet! Salty! Lazy! Only slightly scary! With minimum investment!

Updated: It worked! Let the payments start rolling in...